Blue Moon, you saw me standing alone

So, I'm pretty sure there are about 5 people who actually read this. And all of you are my friends, so chances are that you have already heard most of what I say in these darned posts.
However, for the few who I don't speak to on a regular basis, this is a means of you communicating with me sans actually talking. Interesting is it how the world wide web has cut the middle man of communication. Heck, you communicate with me without my actual knowledge.
I supposed I put myself in that situation in the first place once this blog had been born out of my moronic brain.
But this wasn't what I had come on here to divulge, the disgust I have for the interest, because I don't. As a matter of fact, I am a crucial fan of the interweb. It is, by default, my main form of keeping in touch with friends and relatives. I'm not a facebook person anymore, I do try to keep it a little more intimate by sending e-mails, but still its not what it should be. I take blame for that.

I guess, in a sense it is communication as to why I am here. This past weekend, I went to go see my ex. It was not the sole purpose of my trip, but he was, by and large, a critical reason as to my going there. It was a friend of mine's birthday and he said he would be there. And he wasn't.

(Bare with me here, this is me letting out how I feel)

I did not think that his absence would affected me as much as it did. It's hard to put into words what it is exactly that I feel towards him. It's want, need, love, annoyance, irritation, shear hatred, heart ache, loneliness, but worst of all is the uncertainty. Everything was fine when I knew that things could come of it since we hadn't really seen each other and the image that we had was still the one that we liked of that person. But now that has sort of disappeared, or been changed at least.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not a person who needs love, as a matter of fact I would do just fine with out. I've never imagined myself as a person who would get married. Solely for the purpose that I have a tendency to hurt people, badly. I don't care about the way I feel when it comes to these things. I try and try to spare other people's feelings.

I say this, but when it really matters, of course I want to fall in love. Doesn't everyone? The more I look at my life, it doesn't necessarily have to end with marriage. There are lots of individuals who don't end up getting hitched. It doesn't mean that they have less feelings for each other, they just don't need to justify it by doing so in front of everyone.

In the end, I am still single (and happy to be so), but I miss my ex as he was my best bud for an entire year and someone that I could go talk to. And I am annoyed with the amount of work that I have to have done this week.
Life is tres complicated. I think from now on, I am just going to say exactly what it is that I want to say. I'm gunna cut out beating around the bush.

Whatevs.